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i'm sorry.
2005-03-01 - 3:47 p.m.
oh well. all that fuss over a tiny flimsy slip of paper. its funny how we worried so much about the results but its seems so ..minuscule now. anyway, i wasin a really weird mood the entire day yesterday. before the results, i felt like crying, not because of the results but cos i'm sick and tired of pretending. its really exhausting to laugh when you dont feel the least happy or to even talk to friends whom dont even regard you as a friend. its funny how reality can come crashin down on you in a single moment. you suddenly realise that all you've been pining for, all you've been expecting, and all you believed in is actually-- nothing. its not about o level's results cos i deserve the mark that i got, which was what i prayed for and frankly, i dont even deserve such marks cos i didnt even study half as hard as others. which goes to show how blessed kelly and i are. so kelly, thank god yeah, our daily prayer and qt worked. sometimes, talking to shan and kelly and peiyun is like waking up after a long dream. i get awoken with a drowning of cold water. esp you. you shouldnt be such a realist you know. all my pathetic hopes are crushed by you, although i know they're dumb but well, they're there for a reason. you should really start believing, in something at the very least. not the whole world is as bad as you think it is. i know you've been thru alot, coming from a broken family and all, and it sounds ironic coming from me but believe in yourself.
anyway, i have sidetracked and as i was saying, before the release of results, i suddenly felt so.. empty. going to sch suddenly seems so meaningless when there're so many other things happening around you. people leaving, people dying. i wanna go already but thank god for you guys for shaking some sense into me. my marathon is still ongoing. i shouldnt stop, perhaps for a pit-stop after As. dont worry bout me ok, i'm not gonna quit school. i've decided to stay.
so anyway, angel's leaving singapore alr and i cant say that i'll miss you alot cos somehow somewhere along the way, my heart has ceased to miss people. why care only to have your hopes flung straight back into your face?
anyway, i want to say sorry to my classmates about yesterday. foureight ppl i mean. i was in such a weird mood yest and i didnt feel like talking at all. to cindy: thanks for your letter and i'm sorry i couldnt give you my shoulder to cry on.
to the rest, i'm sorry but what you see is what you get. i really wanna open myself up to you guys but my skin is not a garment. whatever lacerations inflicted upon it, i cant just peel it off and discard it like a tattered rag. i can only cover it up, with layers and layers of blessed numbness. the skin must heal, the scars must purse their lips, the ulcers must close their eyes and the scabs brushed off crumb by crumb. but healing takes time. are you willing to wait the wait?
oh and to ys, you're forgiven. i believe you. i think she's just trying to create some strife. tell her i told her to f.off.
have you ever felt like crying but the tears just won't come out
to those complaining bout their results: be thankful for your results alright. you never realise how lucky you are. while you're worrying over the number of As you have, some people have weighter issues burdening them. some other students worry about getting 30 points and above to get into a poly.
SPECIALnote to you: so stop your whining and move on. you're like an open book to me so stop your hypocritical actions and come right out and tell it to me alright. asshole.you know who you are.